She’s a girl with the best intentions
He’s a man of his own invention
She looked out of the window
He walked out the door
But she followed him
And he said, “What’cha lookin’ for?”
She said, “I want something that I want
Something that I tell myself I need
Something that I want
And I need everything I see.”
I feel like everything I should be doing to get my life back on track is finally happening, everything I’m supposed to be doing is being done. I’m taking baby steps towards bettering myself.
Back in school, check. Putting my effort and creativity into something that will help another, check. Job search is next, I suppose - and physical maintenance in between everything else.
I want to move to Anaheim with James. We’ve always talked about the idea of eventually moving in together and finding a place somewhere closer to Disneyland, so my Disney lifestyle can flourish. But this is one of those things I can seriously imagine, maybe it’s because I really want it. I’ve been daydreaming about how we would decorate and furnish our apartment or condo, waking up next to each other every morning and cuddling up to sleep together every night.
I think another reason of why the change of location appeals to me, is to get away from the familiar for a year or two. I’ve lived in San Diego my whole life, I think a change of scenery would be nice. I want real independence and grown up experiences. And as weird as it might sound, I want the responsibility of cleaning our own bathroom, and cooking our own meals, and shopping just for the two of us. I want to finally be able to share that with James.
And obviously, this wouldn’t be possible without a huge sum of seed money for us to be able to pay for bills and what-not. I guess that’s where the importance of beginning that job hunt lies.
(And a burrito right now wouldn’t be so bad either…)
// Facebook update
I really want to show you guys what I accomplished painting tonight, but I’m technically not done. I consider this to be a two-part project. Although they are separate pieces, I had the urge to fill them at the same time.
I should probably go to sleep, but I always told myself this: if there’s something keeping you up at night that’s encouraging you to write, paint, or do any sort of creating, do it — and do it until everything you’ve got is spilled on the pages or the canvas, because the desire might be gone in the morning.
And now… back to painting.
I have been in a reverse cycle
and I didn’t want to admit it to myself
I’ve started to become my own worst enemy
This monster is taking advantage
I can’t let it consume me
any more than it already has
I can’t let the other side win
If the walls get any taller,
I’ll begin to disappear,
wind up in a shell,
With my worst enemy as my only companion
It’s time to grow tall and over these
Let me return grounded
Let me break out of this lockdown with myself
As always, I can hardly remember my dreams, but there were several things that are still clear in my mind from last night. I never look into dream interpretations, but something about last night’s dream really stood out to me. I looked up some of the main images that I can more strongly recall, and here’s some of the interpretations that are more (rather than less) spot-on—
I feel like the entire dream is an overall representation of the drastic transitions that have been rapidly taking place in my life very recently. The beach is supposed to be what is going to be the new foundation of me grounding myself and mentally placing myself in a new state of mind, as well as to address the new physical surroundings I will be in.
The shore is in the middle of this new state of mind and physical surroundings. I’m so used to following the same schedules and frequenting the same places, seeing the same people, overcoming similar challenges constantly, the shore is pretty much my dream’s way of saying, “You’ve pretty much done all you can in this place, let’s see what else you can do. Let’s try a different perspective.”
The star fish symbolizes the pain and overwhelming feelings I was first hit with when these new changes came upon me; it represents my entitlement to feeling secure and unafraid. It’s almost as if the star fish is telling me. “everything will be okay.” The sand dollar is to show me that I’m capable of learning and achieving so much more than I can imagine. I’m not limited to what I already know.
The spider -I’m not gonna lie- totally freaked me out when I first saw it in my dream. I HATE huge ugly spiders and this one took the cake. In my dream, I had somehow gotten it’s (Misfortune’s) attention and it was quickly crawling towards me, ready to attack, and before I knew it, I had killed it with a cinder block. I made sure that fucker was good and dead, haha.
I guess even though I had some symbolism of misfortune/bad luck reflecting my waking life in my dream, I was also greeted with so much optimism and hope at the same time. I suppose my recent misfortune is really just a blessing in disguise, and perhaps (hopefully) I won’t be stuck in a bad predicament for very long.
We all wished you’d try harder; me above all people… I don’t want to lose you but I feel you slipping away.
Maybe that’s what you’ve wanted all along.
If it is, it really hurts,
but there isn’t much left I can do.
Heaven knows I tried my best,
I feel like I have.
I’m just really looking forward to next week’s epic Disneyland trip with James, Tina, James, Donna, & Paul.
James and I are driving up early on Thursday to spend some time in the parks before meeting with James and Tina at our hotel check-in time. We’ll probably do an alcohol/snacks run right before we check in as well (blueberry lemonade Smirnoff ice, mmmmmm).
The majority of this month has been stressful for me - everything from car bullshit to money bullshit to work bullshit… it will be so nice to escape it all for a couple of days and just focus on having fun with a few good people.
Okay, my sleep pattern has been fucked up for the past 2, almost 3 weeks now. I blame mostly my horrible work schedule and our weekly midnight releases.
And there are even more in the coming months. Kill me now. Just kill me now.
If that’s the equivalent term/analogy that painting is to writing, then I definitely have that right now.