THE MIXED TAPE

CATHERINEHEPBURN.TUMBLR.COM/ASK

Catherine
I married my lobster <3
23yrs -- lover, writer, & painter. Hopeless romantic, film fanatic, dreamer of dreams.

Audrey Hepburn, Disneyland, tattoos, zombies, video games, hopeless romantics, childhood nostalgia, & a sense of humor.


Tumblr pages I run:
fuckyeahdisneyland.tumblr.com
fuckyeahcalifornia-adventure.tumblr.com
fuckyeahdowntowndisney.tumblr.com
disneylandgradnights.tumblr.com
samuel-l-fucking-jackson.tumblr.com

Instagram CatherineHepburn
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Posts tagged "writing"

She’s a girl with the best intentions
He’s a man of his own invention
She looked out of the window
He walked out the door
But she followed him
And he said, “What’cha lookin’ for?”

She said, “I want something that I want
Something that I tell myself I need
Something that I want
And I need everything I see.”


I feel like everything I should be doing to get my life back on track is finally happening, everything I’m supposed to be doing is being done. I’m taking baby steps towards bettering myself.

Back in school, check. Putting my effort and creativity into something that will help another, check. Job search is next, I suppose - and physical maintenance in between everything else.

I want to move to Anaheim with James. We’ve always talked about the idea of eventually moving in together and finding a place somewhere closer to Disneyland, so my Disney lifestyle can flourish. But this is one of those things I can seriously imagine, maybe it’s because I really want it. I’ve been daydreaming about how we would decorate and furnish our apartment or condo, waking up next to each other every morning and cuddling up to sleep together every night.

I think another reason of why the change of location appeals to me, is to get away from the familiar for a year or two. I’ve lived in San Diego my whole life, I think a change of scenery would be nice. I want real independence and grown up experiences. And as weird as it might sound, I want the responsibility of cleaning our own bathroom, and cooking our own meals, and shopping just for the two of us. I want to finally be able to share that with James.

And obviously, this wouldn’t be possible without a huge sum of seed money for us to be able to pay for bills and what-not. I guess that’s where the importance of beginning that job hunt lies.

James and I watched Pinocchio the other night. I hadn’t seen it since I was like 12, or even younger. I guess during my later childhood years, I allowed newer Disney movies at the time to knock it lower on my list of Disney favorites.

My brother got me the Blu-Ray for my 19th birthday, and up until recently I realized that I never watched it since receiving it 2 years ago. My brother said that Pinocchio was the first VHS I ever had when I was a baby, and that I would watch it back to back. As soon as the movie would be over, I’d want the tape rewound and immediately played back. Even when I’d visit my next door neighbors to be babysat, I would bring only that movie. I don’t remember any of this, and I thought it was silly.

When James and I started watching it, I got goosebumps almost immediately, because even though the majority of the movie was seemingly erased from my memory, I began to remember everything as it played out in front of me. I remembered all the wooden clocks and toys in Gepetto’s shop, and I remembered how adorable Cleo and Figaro were, and I remembered the happiness Gepetto had when he had completed painting Pinocchio.

Something I had never really noticed before was: Gepetto was lonely. He was a lonely old man with a kitten and a goldfish for company, and he wanted more than anything for Pinocchio to be real, so he could have someone to love. I couldn’t help but tear up when he wished upon a star; and I couldn’t help but tear up and wished I could comfort him when Pinocchio did not come home to him and the feast he had prepared for everyone in celebration of Pinocchio being in their lives - but then he was gone just as quickly as he had appeared.

And when everything was over and Pinocchio had become a real boy at last, my heart felt… happy. I was so happy to see these cartoon characters share such delight amongst themselves, and again I reminded myself: this is why Disney is such an important part of my life; these wonderful, overwhelming bursts of happiness that are just as important now as they were when those moments were barely becoming a part of my childhood. I didn’t know it then, but I feel it now.

(via mydisneydream918)

I have incredibly low expectations for this movie -almost close to none- because I want a nitty-gritty Grimm’s fairytale revamp, goddammit. I want murders and blood and sex and rape and any unspeakable and twisted things you can imagine. I want a satisfying, R-rated, sick and horrifyingly delicious film, not something stamped with “today’s hottest stars” and a cookie-cutter PG-13 rating.

Give me something directed by Marilyn Manson or Rob Zombie - he can even cast Shari Moon Zombie if he wants, as long as it’s convincing.

I think I’m just so bitter with the outcome of Tim Burton’s depiction of Alice In Wonderland. I love Disney to the grave, as many of you know, but I feel like if Burton had the chance to release Alice 15 years ago, under a different production company, it would be NOTHING like it is today. It would be classic Burton, not sell-out Burton. I mean come on, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was a joke. And not a funny one, at that.

If I come out of Snow White and the Huntsmen completely blown away and amazed, I’ll admit that I was wrong about it. But until then…

(via loveroffilms-deactivated2012101)

(And a burrito right now wouldn’t be so bad either…)

// Facebook update

I really want to show you guys what I accomplished painting tonight, but I’m technically not done. I consider this to be a two-part project. Although they are separate pieces, I had the urge to fill them at the same time.

I should probably go to sleep, but I always told myself this: if there’s something keeping you up at night that’s encouraging you to write, paint, or do any sort of creating, do it — and do it until everything you’ve got is spilled on the pages or the canvas, because the desire might be gone in the morning.

And now… back to painting.

Disneyland Hangover: Dis·ney·land [diz-nee-land] hang·o·ver/ˈhaNGˌōvər/
Definition: Your body feeling sore in many places (sometimes all places) the day after a Disneyland trip. Regardless of the soreness and exhaustion, your body still possesses glee, or a spark therein related to Disneyland.

Yesterday was yet another wonderful Disneyland adventure with James. We got there early enough to be parked in the Pinocchio parking lot, which is my favorite place to be parked as well as the most convenient. Walked around Downtown Disney and explored the Rainforest Cafe before finally sitting down to watch Beauty and the Beast in 3D, which was amazing if I do say so myself.

After the movie let out, we hopped the Monorail and got out in Tomorrowland, and had our first ride at Autopia together since getting our Annual Passes (James was the driver). We went on Space Mountain which had a 10 minute wait, I mean… no wait, Fast Passed Star Tours, and had a go on Buzz Lightyear (I won!). I finally got to trade away one of my bulky/heavier pins for a cutest pin of Ham wearing a Goofy hat, and James traded two of his for a baby Pluto and plush Goofy pins. I WILL turn him into a pin trading nerd, I just know it.

We made our way to Adventureland and made a stop at the Jungle Cruise. I got a few (hopefully) good pictures on my Lomo fisheye camera. I’ve been wanting to take more Disneyland pictures with that film camera. (Even though the bulb for the flash is broken and I can only take daytime pictures or really bright indoor nighttime pictures.) We made a climb into Tarzan’s Treehouse because I haven’t been up there in forever and he had never been there before. I forgot how many damn steps there were for that Treehouse!

After getting back on ground level, we jumped in the short 3 minute line for Pirates of the Caribbean, walked around New Orleans Square and spotted Club 33. We made our way to the Haunted Mansion, fresh off from being transformed back to normal after almost 4 months of Haunted Mansion Holiday. I’m not sure if this is considered unpopular opinion or not, but I’d much rather go on the Haunted Mansion when it’s in its classic pride and glory, rather than all the Nightmare Before Christmas swag. But that’s just me.

We strolled over to Critter Country, passing Splash Mountain because James hates water rides unless it’s really hot, and went on The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh. After we got out, we fell in line for pictures with Eeyore and Pooh, and I got them to sign the birthday cards for my niece and nephew.

By that time we were pretty starved, so we got Subway for a late lunch and I pretty much inhaled my sandwich. Upon re-entering the park, Mickey, Minnie, and Goofy were hanging out on Main Street, so I got each of them to sign the birthday cards as well. Goofy wasn’t looking where he was signing, so he ended up signing over Eeyore and Pooh’s signatures on one of the cards, oops.

We headed for Toon Town and as we were passing Fantasyland, Marie (zomgodzilla.tumblr.com), a follower from FuckYeahDisneyland recognized me! I was so happy and surprised to have had the chance to meet up with a follower! We chatted a bit, dorked out about Disneyland, and the three of us had some Toon Town shenanigans. Roger Rabbit was closed when we got there, so we walked around, took pictures with Donald, and rode Gadget’s Go Coaster. By the time we made our way back to Roger Rabbit, it was open! When I was younger, I always felt that it was an overrated ride, but it so is not!

After Toon Town, James and I parted ways with Marie and we headed to Star Tours to skip the stand-by line with our Fast Passes. We were seated at the last row, the back of the Star Cruiser, which I had never sat before. My feet were dangling from my seat and were nowhere near touching the ground. We ventured to the Wookie Planet and the Death Star. It was really fun to go into hyper space with my feet floating, although a few times I had to brace them on the seat in front of me to prevent my gut from being sliced in half with the seatbelt, haha.

When we got off Star Tours, the park was about 20 minutes away from closing, and we both felt tired enough to have been satisfied by the day’s adventures, so we called it and headed back to the parking lot.

In retrospect, we really missed California Adventure and it was kind of weird to not have set foot at the park at all during our visit, especially because we usually spend the majority of our visits at California Adventure rather than Disneyland. We promised we’d visit both parks during our next trip (hopefully in a couple of weeks!).

With every new Disneyland trip we make, it only confirms my theory that each and every visit is unique and different. Although the parks and rides stay the same, the time enjoyed with the company you keep is always new, and no two memories are alike.

to write and paint so many things, because I am feeling so many things. It’s like every tip and end of myself has something new to create.

I have been in a reverse cycle
and I didn’t want to admit it to myself
I’ve started to become my own worst enemy
This monster is taking advantage
I can’t let it consume me
any more than it already has
I can’t let the other side win
If the walls get any taller,
I’ll begin to disappear,
wind up in a shell,
impenetrable,
and alone,
With my worst enemy as my only companion

It’s time to grow tall and over these
walls,

these insecurities,

these


demons


Let me return grounded
Let me break out of this lockdown with myself

As always, I can hardly remember my dreams, but there were several things that are still clear in my mind from last night. I never look into dream interpretations, but something about last night’s dream really stood out to me. I looked up some of the main images that I can more strongly recall, and here’s some of the interpretations that are more (rather than less) spot-on—

  • I dreamt about being at the beach and sitting amongst the shore; To see the beach in your dream symbolizes the meeting between your two states of mind. The sand is symbolic of the rational and mental processes while the water signifies the irrational, unsteady, and emotional aspects of yourself. It is a place of transition between the physical/material and the spiritual.
    To see the shore in your dream suggests that your emotional needs are satisfied and inner turmoil has been resolved. It refers to the point where the conscious mind meets the unconscious. You have come to a place of solace and comfort. Alternatively, the dream indicates that you have explored all your options and need to think outside the box. There is still endless possibilities for you to consider.
  • I remember seeing/picking up a starfish and sand dollar in my dream; To see a starfish in your dream suggests a period of healing and regeneration. Alternatively, it indicates that you have many options to weigh and decisions to make.
    To see a sand dollar in your dream suggests that your feelings matter. Do not let anyone undervalue your emotions or opinions. Alternatively, a sand dollar symbolizes your unrealized talents.
  • Also, very random, but I remember killing a really big and ugly spider; To see a spider in your dream indicates that you are feeling like an outsider in some situation. Or perhaps you want to keep your distance and stay away from an alluring and tempting situation.  The spider is also symbolic of feminine power or an overbearing mother figure in your life. Alternatively, a spider refers to a powerful force protecting you against  your self-destructive behavior. If you kill a spider in your dream, then it symbolizes misfortune and bad luck.

(via dreammoods.com)

I feel like the entire dream is an overall representation of the drastic transitions that have been rapidly taking place in my life very recently. The beach is supposed to be what is going to be the new foundation of me grounding myself and mentally placing myself in a new state of mind, as well as to address the new physical surroundings I will be in.

The shore is in the middle of this new state of mind and physical surroundings. I’m so used to following the same schedules and frequenting the same places, seeing the same people, overcoming similar challenges constantly, the shore is pretty much my dream’s way of saying, “You’ve pretty much done all you can in this place, let’s see what else you can do. Let’s try a different perspective.”

The star fish symbolizes the pain and overwhelming feelings I was first hit with when these new changes came upon me; it represents my entitlement to feeling secure and unafraid. It’s almost as if the star fish is telling me. “everything will be okay.” The sand dollar is to show me that I’m capable of learning and achieving so much more than I can imagine. I’m not limited to what I already know.

The spider -I’m not gonna lie- totally freaked me out when I first saw it in my dream. I HATE huge ugly spiders and this one took the cake. In my dream, I had somehow gotten it’s (Misfortune’s) attention and it was quickly crawling towards me, ready to attack, and before I knew it, I had killed it with a cinder block. I made sure that fucker was good and dead, haha.

I guess even though I had some symbolism of misfortune/bad luck reflecting my waking life in my dream, I was also greeted with so much optimism and hope at the same time. I suppose my recent misfortune is really just a blessing in disguise, and perhaps (hopefully) I won’t be stuck in a bad predicament for very long.

We all wished you’d try harder; me above all people… I don’t want to lose you but I feel you slipping away.

Maybe that’s what you’ve wanted all along.

If it is, it really hurts,
but there isn’t much left I can do.

Heaven knows I tried my best,
at least,
I feel like I have.

I’m just really looking forward to next week’s epic Disneyland trip with James, Tina, James, Donna, & Paul.

James and I are driving up early on Thursday to spend some time in the parks before meeting with James and Tina at our hotel check-in time. We’ll probably do an alcohol/snacks run right before we check in as well (blueberry lemonade Smirnoff ice, mmmmmm).

The majority of this month has been stressful for me - everything from car bullshit to money bullshit to work bullshit… it will be so nice to escape it all for a couple of days and just focus on having fun with a few good people.

Okay, my sleep pattern has been fucked up for the past 2, almost 3 weeks now. I blame mostly my horrible work schedule and our weekly midnight releases.

  • Batman: Arkham City (10/18)
  • Battlefield 3 (10/25)
  • Uncharted 3 (11/1)
  • Call of Duty: MW3 (11/8)
  • Elder Scrolls: Skyrim (11/11)
  • Assassin’s Creed: Revelations & Saints Row 3 (11/15)

And there are even more in the coming months. Kill me now. Just kill me now.

If that’s the equivalent term/analogy that painting is to writing, then I definitely have that right now.

I’ve been having Disney withdrawals/anxiety for months - the last time I went was back in September with James. That was about 6 months ago. I keep complaining to James about how much I miss Disneyland and NEED to go back soon. It’s my happy place. Who doesn’t want to be at their happy place? It’s also my drug, and I’ve been suffering from the shakes.

But good news! James & I are getting Annual Passes, it’s official! We’re going to get the Deluxe Passport, which covers 315 days out of the year for about $330, more or less. We plan on going April 10th or 20th - after I get my paycheck. The more we talk about it, the more excited I get. The best name for the way I get before a Disneyland trip is the “Disney Jitters” - I want to watch nothing but Disney movies and listen to nothing but Disney songs and talk about nothing but Disneyland and… you know what I mean. Another symptom of Disney Jitters is being too excited to sleep. Yes, we’re not getting our passes for another 4ish weeks, but still! I think the only person that really understands my Disney Jitters is Kim, since she’s experienced it first hand, numerous times.

I don’t know how to explain it, but there’s something about Disneyland that mesmerizes me, as corny as it sounds, it’s true. Disney movies, songs, books - all were the core of my childhood. Even though I never went to Disneyland as frequently as I would have liked to when I was younger, sometimes just watching the sing along video was just enough for me. I think that by watching the movies and singing along to the songs, and reading the stories as a child made me realize and appreciate everything that Disney has worked for to become what it is today. Walt Disney has achieved so many amazing things, when I think about it all, I’m usually left speechless. I know a lot of people don’t think of Disney in the same way I do, and that’s why it’s even more special to me. I’m 20 years old and I still watch the movies, and I still know every lyric to the songs. I get goosebumps and become speechless when I hear the orchestrated music. I tear up and my heart pounds when I watch the fireworks.

I don’t love Disney because I’m young at heart, I love Disney because it’s in my heart. I appreciate it for everything it has become and the timelessness about its essence. Disneyland was built on nothing but orange fields and dreams.
I hope that by creating new memories and having new adventures with James, I can show him exactly what Disneyland means to me.

Disney Jitters? Most definitely, with very good reason.

If your heart is in your dreams, no request is too extreme.

This is an excerpt from my personal journal, and I felt like sharing this with the world. Thanks for taking the time to read it - those of you who did.

Catherine Banaag
(catherinehepburn.tumblr.com)